now.

i want to take a candle-lit bath.
a long hot bath,
just enjoying and savoring the moments of water and i.

i haven’t felt entirely clean or lighter in ages nowadays.
i want to breathe.

lately when i do get to go and do things,
i don’t want too
but when i want to do things, i never get too, fuck.

but lately i just want to indulge myself in the glory of old classic movies,
watching the fashion, the times of changes and the beauty in it.
i just want to fucken shop!
i haven’t bought myself happiness, yet anymore =(

and lastly,
i want to just sleep and walk around in my underwear and bra,
i feel much lighter,
and my bed is nothing but white sheets, blankets, and pillows,
now that is paradise.

except i wish i had the view of the 80th floor somewhere in NYC.

"The one you love and the one who loves you are never, ever the same person."

"I know you dreamed of this moment for a long time. How did reality compare to your dream?"

"I love life so fiercely, so desperately, that nothing good can come of it: I mean the physical facts of life, the sun, the grass, youth. It’s a much more terrible vice than cocaine, it costs me nothing, and there is an endless abundance of it, with no limits: and I devour, devour. How it will end, I don’t know."

so i came across this guy as i google my way through my questions,
wikipedia him, and saw the images google had to display of him,
i thought, hmm, interesting, he seems weird and a bit odd,
but what a legacy he had and left behind after his death.
strangely enough, never would i thought i would google and do my double takes
from this man who thought was bisexual in the media,
yet one of the best of Canto-Pop singers.

here i am, watching tons of movies,
finally pop Ashes of Time Redux in the dvd
and weirdly, this movie IS strange.
then i got the gist of it.
then it all came back to me,
the main actor, was the weirdo i google awhile back.

honestly, i am in awe, ‘cos he’s pretty handsome
and totally not weird like his photo seems,
but its not only that, this man who i was watching,
committed suicide.

and i just find it, not a coincidence, more like fated,
that in the movie, the main actor goes through
this journey of people,
and they’re all intertwine in some way,
goes to show how small this world is,
and at the end of it,
he realizes the life of exile he has created for himself
through his past and mistakes.


i just find it weird, in a sense of magic,
that in this world,
people who you never expect to cross again in your life,
would you find yourself intertwine with them,
in some ways.



i’ve thought of that,
many times in my life,
still do,
and yes, do i still wish to intertwine with my past.

to make it better? no.
to see where my past and future makes it, yes.

so thanks Leslie.
magically, i get it.




ashes of time.

2u.

i’ll like not to care, worry, doubt,
and above all, give you hell,
i’ll like for you to give and not receive
i’ll like for you fall, to fail, to cry, to unsuceed
so in the end, you could feel,
sanity to conscious,
conscious to conclude

conclusions to this beginning.

yeah its a pity,
but one could careless.

5 pounds.

straightout, you’re fuckin pissing the shit out of me.
i come home last night from a long day though you specifically tell me not to stay too late,
before 1am i was home.

i don’t EVER go out,
and when i fucken do,
you try to make me miserable and feel like shit,
like all i ever do is play, play and play even more.
like i’m some fucken hoe with no life, no home, and nothing in the world to care.

i’m home 24/7,
sure i’m a bum with no job but at least i’m there, home, like always.


so,
if you ever expect anything from me,
show some fucken respect.
‘cos in return, if this is all you do and say to me,
then fuck you and tough luck getting respect from me.

fucker.



ps.
wed. is when i watch The Cleaner and HawthoRNe,
fuck i’ve been missing alot of them episodes,
including Merlin on NBC.
damn it.

insomnia.

insomnia.

i can’t ever sleep.
yet, never feeling fully awake.
what the fuck has this world come to.
no, what the fuck have i come to with my life and self.

FUCK.

(my life isn’t so bad as i make it out to be. seriously.
i just have issues. issues with life, self, family, friends, and everything)

just fucking great, i know.